AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE COLON MOVIE FILM FOR THEATERS(R)
zero (out of 5)
April 13, 2007
STARRING
Dana Snyder as MASTER SHAKE
Dave Willis as MEATWAD
Carey Means as FRYLOCK
Andy Merrill as OGLETHORPE
Mike Schatz as EMORY
Studio: Adult Swim
Directed by: Matt Maiellaro and Dave Willis
BY KEVIN CARR
There was only one thing running through my mind when I saw “Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters,” and that was: What were they thinking?
Oh god, what the fuck were they thinking?
Before I start my vicious diatribe, I will confess that I have never watched the television show on Adult Swim. I knew nothing of the Aqua Teen story. Maybe I was missing something. I thought the trailer was pretty funny, so I figured I might be able to enjoy the film, picking up on it without having seen the show, as I did for “Reno 911!: Miami.”
Sadly, this wasn’t the case. It was a painful, excruciating experience that will haunt me to the end of my days.
I cannot begin to explain what the film is about. There was no attempt to give newbies a chance to understand the characters, the setting or even the humor of the show. It just jumped into a mess with Frylock, Master Shake and Meatwad trying to occasionally fight a psychotic exercise machine. Of course, the plot – if you could call it that – jumped away from this idea constantly, giving the film about as much continuity as a poorly constructed “Beavis and Butthead” episode.
Because six other films were released on the same day as “Aqua Teen,” and only two were screened by the studios, I had planned to see several other movies during the day. However, after the early 10:45 a.m. showing of “Aqua Teen” was done, I discovered it had happed my will to see any other movie that day. Nay, scratch that. It practically sapped my will to breathe another breath, to take another step, to live another day.
In fact, the only thing “Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters” did was inspire me to race home to my trusty laptop to vomit this venom and bile of hatred on the virtual page.
Words cannot describe how bad this film is. You could clone Rosie O’Donnell a thousand times over, feed them a constant diet of baked beans and coleslaw for 40 days and 40 nights, and they still wouldn’t produce a pile of shit as big as this movie.
Was the $4 I spent on the ultra-discounted before-noon showing a waste? Abso-fucking-lutely. I’d want my money back if it were a free screening. Hell, I honestly feel that the filmmakers and Ted Turner owe me, my family and my future descendants for years to come reparations for this cinematic dog turd.
I simultaneously urge and caution against eager, young filmmakers seeing “Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters.” I urge because it will make them realize that they could do something as talentless and inane as photographing the ingrown hair on my chubby, white butt cheeks – and they’d have as good of a chance as any for Ted Turner to fund their “art.” Or, they’ll kill themselves with a rusty razor blade, realizing that Hollywood via Atlanta is for morons.
“Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters,” is by far the worst film of this year. I am in awe, not just that it was green lit, but that the great Zeus himself did not emerge from the heaven and rain down a cleansing firestorm of destruction on the production of this film, mercifully sending its memory into oblivion.
Now that Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton have rid the airwaves of Don Imus, they should focus on the real crime against humanity – “Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters.” Racism be damned. This film is worse. I fear for the future of the human race, for if enough people see this movie, there will be mass suicides across this great nation.